Waves of Depression, Oh How I Loathe Thee

One thing people hate but end up doing: writing about themselves. It's a great release but then you can't help but feel guilty after. Like masturbation. Welcome to the world of sex. Even though this has nothing to do with sex. But it does...think about it. 

It's never fun when you realize that all your life, you have never truly done anything. 

Then you start thinking, "Have I done something memorable?" or
"What is it about me that people befriend me for?". 

That's when it hit me. 

No one befriends me. 

I befriend them. 

Then I continue to think, "What do I talk about? What are my subjects?". 

Again, it dawns on me. 

All my life I've just been the person that stands to the side and nods at what everyone else is talking about. 

And when it's my turn to speak. 

Silence. 

This is what television does to you my good children. 

It makes your brain into mush and turns you uninteresting. 

Then you're stuck into a vortex full of null. 

When you're around your interesting friends, your self esteem is dropped down to the size of an atom. 

Then you proceed into the state of feeling sorry for yourself because you will never amount to anything. 

That is, unless you change. 

Change. 

Such a difficult and deceiving word. 

Difficult because well it's obvious, some think that they are fine and don't need to change when in truth they probably should and others are scared to change, only because they fear turning into something that will turn their lives into complete and utter hell. 

There are those selective few that believe change to be hard because they are lazy schmucks*. 

Deceiving? 

Well. 

I pretty much explained it but there's also that bit of change that you know you should partake in but when you do...you still feel empty and crave more change. I fit into all of these categories. 

I'm like a whirlwind in a storm. 

Image by Webgol via Flickr

Messy.
Messed up. 

A schmuck*. 

And this isn't me feeling sorry for myself. 

You need to understand that in order to start changing, you need to face facts and if you can't, get someone brutally honest to do it for you. 

I would probably prefer that last one. 

It hurts more but it doesn't get any more honest than that.

And then I realized, I like being alone. 

But I hate liking this feeling. 

I hate so many things right now. 

What does she have to complain, when she has everything I spent years wishing for? 

I hate making myself invisible, isolating myself from the world. 

And most of all, I hate how much I love it. 

It's a confusing feeling. 

I make myself feel alone. 

Every feeling that I hate but love, I create myself. 

Can I disappear? 

I pity myself. 

I will disappear. 

From everyone.

 No one will miss me. 

I will be...free? 

I don't know. 

I'm angry. 

I'm always angry. 

I seek happiness and end up this way. 

It's my fault. 

I can prevent all of this. 

But I don't, it's my comfort zone. 

Jealousy. 

I hate feelings. 

They are overrated. 

I don't want them. 

Don't need them. 

They hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

I am an unhappy person. 

I wish for normalcy. 

I want, I want, I want. 

Is that all I'm about? 

Am I that selfish? 

Yes. 

I'm pathetic. 

I want to cry, yell, laugh, do nothing. 

I am doing nothing.

We all hate to write about ourselves, but in the end it's what we're stuck doing.

It makes us realize our flaws and how much we crave change. 

Whether we're willing to make the effort or not.

Specks.

Schmucks.

Everything and nothing.

We are...f*cking messed up.

How normal can we all get?